She Got One Of Your Kids, Gotchu For 18 Years...

This morning at about 3:50, my disrespectful cat woke me up because he needed to be fed. After putting some food in his bowl, and crawling back into bed, I picked up my phone to see if I missed any calls or texts. I didn't. So I checked my Twitter to see what foolery was afoot on my timeline. And there it was...the news that Kimye is spawning. Eww. I was furious. When I first found out that they were dating, I gave it a chance. I thought if Kanye sees something in Kim, then maybe I will too. I thought wrong. Then it started to get serious, and I was like "Ye stop this foolishness, and go on home". But when I woke up this morning to find out that they were bringing a child into this world, I wanted to go Sylvia Plath is this bitch. but mostly because this baby money than I'll ever see.

Kim is about that paper, and The Ultimate Groupie Come Up story will be one to inspire many teenage wannabe and other come ups pregnancies. She's no different from anyone on a Ratchet Monday VH1 cast list. She'll find a way to pimp this situation into a kash kow [See what I did there], and  I'm sure we'll get a labor and delivery special on E!. ButThis was bound to happen. If you look at the net worth of her past lovers, she's reached her apex and can do no better. I've limited my list to actual relationships, in chronological order, because I have other things to do.*

1. Ray J: $6 mil
2. Nick Lachey: $12 mil
3. Nick Cannon: $15 mil plus $70,00 per episode of whatever he's on these days
4. Reggie Bush: $14 mil
5. Miles Austin $12.5 mil
6. Kris Humphries: $16.9 mil
7. Kanye: $90 mil

Even though I think her entire existence is a farce, a kongratulations is in order to the parents to be. Pregnancy is a blessing, and no doubt the worst part of it will be when he has to look at her cry face when she has a mood swing. I wish them some sort of normalcy, because between Ye's temper tantrums, and Kim's feels, that child is going to be driven crazy. But then there is the whole issue of what they'll name this baby. If it's a boy, I'm thinking: K'anye, Konquer, Omari Dash, Robert, Sean Corey Carter or Yeezus Christ (jk on the last two...but seriously). If it's girl, I'm thinking Donda Dash. But you never know with these two.

If they do decide to get married, I hope that Kanye considers that 100% of Kim's past marriages have ended in divorce. Even though, technically, she's still married.

*As I was typing that list, I realized she's got enough exes, and Kanye's done enough samples and remixes that I can play Six Degrees of Kimye Jr. so text me or tweet me a celeb and I'll relate it to Kimye Jr.

But let me ask you a question though Mr. Tarantino...

What the whole single actual everlasting what, tho!?!?

As a self proclaimed and slightly pretentious cinephile, I've seen a few Tarantino flicks in my day.He's had a few gems, like Pulp Fiction, Inglorious Basterds and Reservoir Dogs. If you look through my Twitter feed, you will find several tweets regarding my enthusiasm for Django Unchained. Maybe I went into this with a few too many expectations. It had the utmost potential. An a list director, Leo the GOAT, Sam Jackson the Black GOAT and lots and lots of blood. Even in the trailers, it looked like it was going to be the best movie of the year. I was so disappointed. I walked out of that theater the way Murray walks into parties in The Valley. Its not that I hated Django Unchained, I just found more things I didn't like, than ones I did like.

The story for DU is great. Its about a slave, who is granted his freedom after assisting, bounty hunter Dr. King Schultz, with killing some plantation overseers. Once they kill the overseers, Django decides he's going to go to the auction where him and his wife were sold to buy her freedom. One night as the two converse around the camp fire, Django shares his plan with Schultz. Feeling intrigued and altruistic, Django's last owner, turned bounty partner, decides to aide Django on his quest to find his wife, as it would be easier to do that as a white man in the south. They get to the records office and find that she is has been bought by Calvin Candie, an eccentric Francophile slave owner. Together, they devise a plan to get to Mr. Candie, and to his plantation, CandieLand (Hahaha wooo -_-). Things go awry, people die. Kerry Washington makes a few faces. More people die. Fin.

I would have liked DU more, had the story been told in less time. I mean I have a smart phone, and as a result, a very short attention span. I need the end to be as close to the beginning [Please note that this excludes Sci-Fi and fantasy] as humanly possible. It took about an hour for Leonardo DiCaprio to show up. I was less than thrilled about that. The scene where they ride to CandieLand was at  least 40 whole minutes of the movie...and on that ride, nothing happens. I mean nothing. The rest of the movie is pretty uneventful. The killing is in typical Tarantino fashion with lots of violence, and blood.

Kerry Washington, as an actress is a waste of vital organs. I'm saddened and perplexed as to why she was paid for this. I feel like they could have gotten someone less famous with a better range of acting, Like Jurnee Smollett or Zoe Kravitz to say all two of her lines, and scream a bit. Apparently, she's a top actress due to Scandal [Whatever that is]. We all knew her acting was Kerry's distress face is only rivaled by Trey Songz sanging face, Kim K's cry face, Farrah's cry face and the face Stephon Marbury makes when he listens to R.Kelly.

But you should check it out, and see for yourself. Just because I think it was trash, doesn't mean that you will. And for the more adventurous movie goer, I dare you drink every time you hear someone say the 'N' word.