Music Snobbery.
Listen, I don’t think you’re any cooler because you were a fan of this band
when they weren’t popular, so get the condescending tone out of your voice when
you ask me if I even heard the underground shit they did with Skam. I don’t care.
Just offer up what you think I’d enjoy based on my ravings, and let a bitch
live. Please note, that if I don’t like someone who you like, I’m not a hater.
I just have a different preference. And if you still feel the need to criticize
my love for someone, I need you to criticize all my favorite things; like my
favorite color and food. I don’t even debate music anymore because people are
so quick to call me a hater. I find it pretty funny that the people who are so
quick to judge my music tastes, tend to be rappers with day jobs.
Selling
Mary Kay. How is this still a thing? I’ve never used a Mary Kay product in
my life, mostly because I don’t even know where to find someone who still sells
Mary Kay. I respect [almost] everyone’s hustle, but you have to had a come up
by now. Adapt and do better. It’s 2013
Gang
Violence. I look like a
hypocrite saying this because I am an avid watcher of Gangland. My birthday is
seven weeks away and if you’re pressed about what to get me, Gangland DVDs will
suffice. But for one, be a parent and talk to your kids about these things.
Gang violence is just really something I couldn’t mentally get into…physically
either because there is nothing appealing about being beat up or raped to be a
part of a crowd. That’s just me though.
People
hating hair. Specifically men who have this aversion to pubic hair. Why? I
don’t know who, but some one, some place at some time decided to fuck the game
up by perpetuating this idea that a woman should at a moments notice have a hairless,
velveteen snatch. And that person has got to go. No matter your preferred
method, it is torture. On the list of things I enjoy, you will find “surrendering
my lady bits to a tiny Eurasian woman with super human strength and wax” very
close to the end. I can’t really grasp women who hate chest hair either. I love
chest hair…think Bruce Willis in Die Hard, or Alec Baldwin. That’s sexy as hell
to me. The naked mole rat thing? Not so much.
Suicide.
Okay, not to sound insensitive, but suicide is the total opposite of a good idea.
I totally get that during our formative years in the 90s, suicide was a thing.
It was in every teen movie, and was kind of popular among musicians. Often
times, I say that I’m very close to going Sylvia Plath in this bitch, but it’s
a WHOLE lot of bullshit. Mostly because I’m a coward. But also, too many people
love me for me to just end it all because I’m battling some inner conflict.
Plus there is nothing that is so terrible to drive me to kill myself. These
days, you can function, no matter what your affliction. I think an exception to
this rule is if you are terminally ill. Then it is totally up to you. I know
that if the day ever came [and hopefully it won’t come for a long time] that I
were unable to do for myself a la Terri Schiavo, just take me out AND don’t
show me on TV.
The
“Illuminati”. If you ever have a conversation with me, and bring up the
Illuminati to me in a not ironic way. I will assume you are as stupid as they
come. I won’t even take you seriously. Everything you say from that point on
will be a joke. So I hope you don’t have a seizure or anything, cuz it’s considered
a joke. Maybe a secret society of people who worship a pagan deity and are
successful because of it. I just don’t believe it, and maybe that’s what they
want me to think. But I’ve never believed in anything so much to be pressed to
prove its existence to others around me.
