She Got One Of Your Kids, Gotchu For 18 Years...

This morning at about 3:50, my disrespectful cat woke me up because he needed to be fed. After putting some food in his bowl, and crawling back into bed, I picked up my phone to see if I missed any calls or texts. I didn't. So I checked my Twitter to see what foolery was afoot on my timeline. And there it was...the news that Kimye is spawning. Eww. I was furious. When I first found out that they were dating, I gave it a chance. I thought if Kanye sees something in Kim, then maybe I will too. I thought wrong. Then it started to get serious, and I was like "Ye stop this foolishness, and go on home". But when I woke up this morning to find out that they were bringing a child into this world, I wanted to go Sylvia Plath is this bitch. but mostly because this baby money than I'll ever see.

Kim is about that paper, and The Ultimate Groupie Come Up story will be one to inspire many teenage wannabe and other come ups pregnancies. She's no different from anyone on a Ratchet Monday VH1 cast list. She'll find a way to pimp this situation into a kash kow [See what I did there], and  I'm sure we'll get a labor and delivery special on E!. ButThis was bound to happen. If you look at the net worth of her past lovers, she's reached her apex and can do no better. I've limited my list to actual relationships, in chronological order, because I have other things to do.*

1. Ray J: $6 mil
2. Nick Lachey: $12 mil
3. Nick Cannon: $15 mil plus $70,00 per episode of whatever he's on these days
4. Reggie Bush: $14 mil
5. Miles Austin $12.5 mil
6. Kris Humphries: $16.9 mil
7. Kanye: $90 mil

Even though I think her entire existence is a farce, a kongratulations is in order to the parents to be. Pregnancy is a blessing, and no doubt the worst part of it will be when he has to look at her cry face when she has a mood swing. I wish them some sort of normalcy, because between Ye's temper tantrums, and Kim's feels, that child is going to be driven crazy. But then there is the whole issue of what they'll name this baby. If it's a boy, I'm thinking: K'anye, Konquer, Omari Dash, Robert, Sean Corey Carter or Yeezus Christ (jk on the last two...but seriously). If it's girl, I'm thinking Donda Dash. But you never know with these two.

If they do decide to get married, I hope that Kanye considers that 100% of Kim's past marriages have ended in divorce. Even though, technically, she's still married.

*As I was typing that list, I realized she's got enough exes, and Kanye's done enough samples and remixes that I can play Six Degrees of Kimye Jr. so text me or tweet me a celeb and I'll relate it to Kimye Jr.

But let me ask you a question though Mr. Tarantino...

What the whole single actual everlasting what, tho!?!?

As a self proclaimed and slightly pretentious cinephile, I've seen a few Tarantino flicks in my day.He's had a few gems, like Pulp Fiction, Inglorious Basterds and Reservoir Dogs. If you look through my Twitter feed, you will find several tweets regarding my enthusiasm for Django Unchained. Maybe I went into this with a few too many expectations. It had the utmost potential. An a list director, Leo the GOAT, Sam Jackson the Black GOAT and lots and lots of blood. Even in the trailers, it looked like it was going to be the best movie of the year. I was so disappointed. I walked out of that theater the way Murray walks into parties in The Valley. Its not that I hated Django Unchained, I just found more things I didn't like, than ones I did like.

The story for DU is great. Its about a slave, who is granted his freedom after assisting, bounty hunter Dr. King Schultz, with killing some plantation overseers. Once they kill the overseers, Django decides he's going to go to the auction where him and his wife were sold to buy her freedom. One night as the two converse around the camp fire, Django shares his plan with Schultz. Feeling intrigued and altruistic, Django's last owner, turned bounty partner, decides to aide Django on his quest to find his wife, as it would be easier to do that as a white man in the south. They get to the records office and find that she is has been bought by Calvin Candie, an eccentric Francophile slave owner. Together, they devise a plan to get to Mr. Candie, and to his plantation, CandieLand (Hahaha wooo -_-). Things go awry, people die. Kerry Washington makes a few faces. More people die. Fin.

I would have liked DU more, had the story been told in less time. I mean I have a smart phone, and as a result, a very short attention span. I need the end to be as close to the beginning [Please note that this excludes Sci-Fi and fantasy] as humanly possible. It took about an hour for Leonardo DiCaprio to show up. I was less than thrilled about that. The scene where they ride to CandieLand was at  least 40 whole minutes of the movie...and on that ride, nothing happens. I mean nothing. The rest of the movie is pretty uneventful. The killing is in typical Tarantino fashion with lots of violence, and blood.

Kerry Washington, as an actress is a waste of vital organs. I'm saddened and perplexed as to why she was paid for this. I feel like they could have gotten someone less famous with a better range of acting, Like Jurnee Smollett or Zoe Kravitz to say all two of her lines, and scream a bit. Apparently, she's a top actress due to Scandal [Whatever that is]. We all knew her acting was Kerry's distress face is only rivaled by Trey Songz sanging face, Kim K's cry face, Farrah's cry face and the face Stephon Marbury makes when he listens to R.Kelly.

But you should check it out, and see for yourself. Just because I think it was trash, doesn't mean that you will. And for the more adventurous movie goer, I dare you drink every time you hear someone say the 'N' word.

Hurricane Sandy: A Recap

I often complain that all I do is work, so I figured that the hurricane imposed house arrest would be a well deserved and appreciated break. I was all the way wrong. Cabin fever is the absolute worst, paired with all the sleep, I almost died of boredom. I haven't had decent sleep since Saturday night, but that was more like a drunken pass out. I just napped for about 2 hours at a time, then try to figure out what to do with my life, before falling into a lucid standby state of rest for another hour. Its a vicious cycle, punctuated by reality tv marathons and On Demand viewings. I basically turned into Mac. I had an initial excitement about having time off, but I'm so used to my time being filled, that I was bored immediately. I've fallen into a routine of watching all the prime time programming I've missed on Hulu or where ever on Fridays, so watching shows when they originally aired was something so new, that it was weird and I started to doze off part way through. So I actually saw the first three minutes of my shows, and then I lost interest.

The only things I managed to do were maintain homeostasis, eat , learn that Pawn Stars (aka my new obsession) was fake and create a weather control conspiracy theory about the government. I was less than productive. However, I made a long list of things I coulda shoulda woulda done, but didn't:

1. Go on Pottermore, and complete the second book.
2. Finish reading The Mark of Athena.
3. Re-write the second half of The Hunger Games, so that Cato won.
4. Updated my resume.
5. Exercise.
6. Set up my wireless printing in my room.
7. Watch The Goonies, for the first time ever.
8. Started my writing sample.
9. Drink wine and watch Magic Mike.

Instead I did nothing. I was a lazy oaf, who wanted to lay in bed, and watch bad tv while eating Twizzlers. And you know what? I'm okay with that.

Girls & the crimes they commit online

Like most people, I spent a ridiculous amount of time on the Internet. About 80% of this time is spent on social media sites; Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, all that. By the time I close my laptop, who has his own space in my bed for easy access, I feel robbed of my time and annoyed by all the girls out here committing some Social Media felonies. I want to say that I hate all these types of people, but I might have been one in a past network. They still annoy me though.

1. The Patient
The only unwritten rule to the Internet is: Don't use social media as therapy. The occasional rant about a random topic or injustice is okay. Everything in excess of that is wrong. It is inevitable that one day 'he' will break your heart, or your best friend will stab you in the back. But posting a status about it will not make you seem like a cool person I want to be around. It turns you into one of those poorly lit episodes of an otherwise cheery sitcom. The ones who gt soap opera lighting when someone dies or it addresses a real issue, like gang violence. No one likes those episodes, that's why they don't get played when the show is syndicated.

2. The Relationship Guru
These girls tend to be single or a side chick, with daddy issues, and she travels in packs, with like minded individuals. Yet she has the answers to all your relationship woes. If you are single, you are NOT qualified to dispense relationship advice. She's also always saving herself for Mr. Right(usually a commercially unsuccessful R&B singer or Chris Brown), until a flavor of the week shows a slight interest. After 4 hours, she's in love. Said "relationships" last less than a month when she can't get the commitment she wants from a guy. Then she reverts to The Patient. These girls are trapped in a vicious cycle of lonely, and while it IS entertaining to watch, it is just plain sad. Also, she's VERY fond of Drake lyrics.

3. The Gender Honor Role
After numerous post as to why men can't satisfy them at all...ever, for some reason or another, these girls think its cute to let the whole world know that they can cook and clean, because apparently they want to be the inspiration for Lifetime movies. Their statuses are usually "Spent the whole day cooking and cleaning. I'm going to make the best housewife". Ironically, most of my friends who post things like this I met in college. So congratulations on messing up your credit score, with student loans for you to just be a housewife. Please note my heavy sarcasm. These girls tend to post pictures of the food they cook, which usually looks unappetizing, and entirely unhealthy.

4.The Boyfriend's Girlfriend
If you ask me, these girls are the most offensive. I'm not saying that because I'm single and bitter (I'm totally not single and bitter...seriously). I'm saying because once you're over the age of 20, the baby talk has got to go.  You can spot these girls by the posts about things they do with their hubby. Hubby is just a relationship that lasted longer than you expected. And now that our lives are completely digital, what better way to show your love than with both of you in your profile picture. In a few rare instances, these are serious relationships, but those girls tend to not air their business out.

5. The Urban Model Impresario
You know what clubs you can find this girl in on any given night. She's got a guest list that you can get on if you text her that night. She's essentially a poor man's Draya. More than likely, this girl had a baby right out of high school in an attempt to trap a man who left her anyways. She's generally pretty, but nothing outstanding. She'll flex her airbrushed model pictures online to receive likes and comments, stating how good she looks. And it's been my personal experience they want accolades for things that need no applause. So you went to the club on Sunday night, and got your kid to school on time on Monday, like you were supposed to, but you want some praise? Bitch bye.

6.The Anti Girl
Better known as the Kneecap Cuddler. Apparently someone told this girl it was cute to bash other women. She refers to women as "females", and doesn't have a lot of female friends because they're too catty. She's often retweeted for speaking truths. But her pellucid attempts to amass male cosigners, show that she's trying to be different, and not the good kind.

7.The Self-sploitater
Vanity is an alleged sin, but these girls have no limit to the amount of SeLfiiEz they post. No filter, no make up, no one cares.

8.The Self Loather
These girls appear to be the opposite of the Self-slpoitater, but they're the same. The just go about their thirst differently. Appearing to have low self esteem is a sure fire way to get attention. These girls cut across the street, if you know what I mean. They tend to post captions like "Why does everyone tell me I'm pretty? I'm hideous". When I click that like button, I'm agreeing with you, you are hideous. Has having low self esteem ever worked for anyone?

9.The Overtly Sexual Personality
A combination of 5,6,7 and 8 and her cooter probably smells like earring backs.

There you have it. Nine girls who we all have the displeasure of seeing on our time lines.

Thoughts I Couldn't Flesh Out Into Full Entries

At one point in time, I was obsessed with the movie Stop-Loss. Obviously because of the men. My favorite part of the movie was when the soldiers start singing The Angry American by Toby Keith. Watching this scene was the beginning of my love affair with misplaced rage songs. To this day it remains a favorite. It also leaves me wondering how convienient it was for Toby Keith's dad to lose his right eye while serving in the army.

As many times as I ask myself this question, I should have an aswer by now. I've always wondered how of what you drink is absorbed by your body. Like if I drink a 24 ounce beverage, will I pee 24 ounces of pee, the next time I go to the bathroom?

Cartoons have gotten really good lately. My new favotires are Black Dynamite, Regular Show and Gravity Falls. I like Regular Show because every is a Mordecai or Rigby. If you aren't, you're obviously Benson. The girl character from Gravity Falls, Mabel, is voiced ny the weak chinned woman from Dinner for Schmucks, and she has a poster of Justin Bieber on her wall. Black Dynamite has to be seen to be believed. If you're kind of prejudice, this is the show for you.

I got the polish changed on my toenails and I noted that the nail on my right pinky toe is natrually darker than my other toes. So I WebMD'd that shit, and I may have malignant melanoma OR I'm eating poorly. This may be due to that spicy chicken ramen kick I was on a few months back. Serves me right for thinking that comsuming 150% of my daily salt intake was any excuse of a diet.

I really hate when people say "Don't judge a book by its cover". I picked up a book today because I thought it looked good. Suck on that universe.

Girl Talk

Like most people, I enjoy the company of people who enjoy the same things that I do. When I meet new people, (in this case, girls) I decide whether I want to be friends with based on the following. In order to be my friend you must:

• Be able to quote Mean Girls, and apply that quote to the situation at the drop of a hat. If I say to someone, "Oh my God, that shirt you're wearing is so cute. Where'd you get it?". They need to immediately respond with "That's the ugliest effing shirt I've ever seen." If you can't readily quote Mwan Girls, yolu're meeting the BARE minimums of girldom by having a hole and a heartbeat.
• Know the words to Supernova Girl. This is essential for anyone who was cogniscient of the Zoog Disney era.
• Love the Spice Girls. Love is kind of a strong word, but if you didn't love them, you at least have to respect what they did for girls self esteem all over the world. When I was younger, I had a pair of purple pants, that I wore all the time, and kids used to make fun of me for it. I gave nary a fuck, because I liked them, and they made me feel special and uique. A little something I picked up from a ditty called Do It.
• Be able to debate Boy Bands. Mainly Backstreet Boys and *NSYNC. But the other guys count too. O-Town, LMNT, 2ge+her, 98 Degrees, BBMak, all of them. And if you can't, please see yourself off the nearest bridge.

Netflix Pick: 1408 (Theatrical Version)

*I stole this from my other blog. Who cares? Not I. Don't watch me, watch tv...literally*

I signed up for Netflix when I was a sophomore in college. I was a woman possessed by three at a time unlimited movies. I had a schedule for sending and recieving. I beefed up my queue and once I made my way through 168 movies, six television series, and a numerous Shirley Temples, I stopped ordering movies. Now, my movie queue has twelve painfully awful movies that I could go without seeing, but I need to anyway. You should thank me for saving you the trouble of watching them.

The Netflix Sleeve o' Knowing blurb says:

"No one can explain the strange goings-on in room 1408 of the Dolphin Hotel. In this thriller based on a Stephen King story, writer and paranormal debunker Mike Enslin (John Cusack) is determined to demystify the ghostly events, even though a hotel clerk (Samuel L. Jackson) begs him to rethink his plans. Mike needs to write another book soon, and room 1408 may be his ticket to the top of the best seller list. But will he survive even one night" Rated PG-15, 1h 44m, 2007.

Oh I'm shuddering. This movie is definitely going to test my thug. I would like to make a few things clear before I jump in.

1. It took me 3 tries to get through the first 40 minutes of the movie.
2. I am typing this as I watch the movie.
3. I used to know what the L in Samuel L Jackson stood for.

The movie opens with Mike investigating a room where the paranormal activities that he doesn't believe in, but writes about anyway, the same ones that pay his bills. He publishes a book, aptly titled "The 10 Most Haunted Places in America". Mike then heads to a local book store where nobody knows who he is or that he is doing a reading there that day. Shockingly, four people show up. One of them was a cute college pseudo-beatnik, who asks him to sign a copy of his first book, which is apparently a novel about a father and a son.

So Mike, who is clearly aware that he is operating below capacity, goes to check his PO box. He reads through the first few fan letters when he comes across a postcard. It is from The Dolphin Hotel and the message says "Stay out of 1408". Now, that sounds like I fair warning to me. I would have stayed out of 1408, and gone on unaffected. After reading this postcard, Mike does the logical thing, goes surfing, wipes out, I'm not invested enough to get the symbolism and books room 1408 at The Dolphin.

One of the higher ups in the hotel's administration is Mr. Olin, who explains that he doesn't let anyone stay in 1408 because nobody lasts in there for more than an hour. They all wind up dying. Another warning that he chooses to ignore. I'm not sure why this baffles me because people smoke cigarettes every day even though there's a written warning on the box that eventually, it will kill you. After going over a laundry list of all the deaths that have occurred in this "evil fucking room", he offers Mike a drink of some vintage spirit. He probably slipped him a mickey. Nonetheless, Mike insists on staying in the room, and lasting til the morn. Mr. Olin is so pissed off and says "Damn it to hell" in a way only Mr. Jackson can pull off.

A whole bunch of strange things begin to happen, while Mike is sippin on his sizzurp. The clock radio begins the countdown from an hour, he begins to see the ghosts of the 1408 club, the ghost of his father and his sick daughter, who is also dead. The window falls on his hand a breaks it, there is a phantom axe murderer who looks like Mike Myers of Halloween fame. In an attempt to escape to the next room, Mike climbs out the window and onto a ledge almost falls and then recovers like a champ...Tommy Pickles style. When he gets back in and checks the map, 1408 is the only room in the hotel. I lose interest.

He goes through flash backs of his daughter's illness and he gets all guilty.
The room turns into an icebox where his heart used to be.
Mike is still drinking the roofies cognac VSOP.
He video chats with his wife, who calls the cops. When they talk again, the cops are in an empty 1408. The apocalypse happens in the room. It made me thing of the scene in Macbeth where the king dies and the world shakes.

Okay so the surfing thing just came full circle, Mike wiped out wakes up in the hospital, the estranged wife is there. This whole scene was all a dream from Word Up magazine. Mike and Lily go out to dinner and he's drinking tequila. I checked the info and there's still another twenty minutes left, so there is another twist coming. And Mike is still dreaming. I kind of feel bad because he wrote the whole book that would save him...in. his. dream. Fuck his life. The room goes from tundra to charred remains. Mike is hatching a scheme to escape.

With just under four minutes left in his hour, Katie, the dead daughter shows up and disintegrates in his arms. The clock radio resets itself for the hour and he can choose to relive it again or to hang himself. The hotel operator refers to this hanging as an express check out system. I laughed so hard, I farted. Mike is back in the real world and makes a bottle bomb of the roofies cognac. Firemen save him, he and Lily get back together. She wants to get rid of all the clothes from the fire. Mike takes out the tape recorder, and tells her to throw the rest away. He presses play, the whole exchange between him and Katie is on there. Lily hear it, drops the box, he smiles forbodingly. FIN.

This movie wasn't bad at all. I'll give it a 3.5

Drinking Game Friday: TDKR

Two years ago, when I saw Inception, I fell in love with Tom Hardy. It took me 6 days to get through all his movies and shows. Bronson, Scenes of a Sexual Nature, all that shit. I loved it! I've been a Tom Hardy Stan ever since. He is the sexiest man on the face of the planet. I know I say that often, but unless we can resurrect Marlon Brando circa Guys and Dolls, Tom Hardy is that man. The only reason why you may identify my celebrity crush as Mark Wahlberg, is because before last night, no one really knew who Tom Hardy was.

Physically, he's flawless. He posts GPOYs on the interwebs all the time. His performance in TDKR was great. My main concern for the movie was that Tommy's lips, the greatest lips in Hollywood, were going to be completely covered for two and half hours. The Nolan Brothers ain't shit for that. But the definitely made up for it with the casting of Daniel Sunjata, and his sexy ass lips. The range of emotion that Tommy conveyed with his eyes was just GAH I can't even tell you. He got really fat for the role too. He's still sexier than anyone on the planet. I'm excited to see Tommy and Gary Oldman do more movies together. They've done four together already, so they are somewhere between Julia Roberts/Richard Gere and Ben Stiller/Owen Wilson movie couplings. Please note that Lawless will be out at the end of August, and I'll be gushing over him then too.

Obviously, you're going to see TDKR this weekend. If not please see yourself off the nearest bridge. Please and thank you. As another option, you can sneak this into the theater and get Gotham Wasted.

Drinking Game Friday: TDKR
Drink:

• If you didn't see any trailers because you wanted to be surprised
• If you're going to see the movie in IMAX
• When you think about how excited to be watching TDKR
• You realize that Tom Hardy is the most beautiful man on the planet
• When you get sad that Tom Hardy's lips are covered up for two hours. I'll decide later how I feel about that choice.
• Every time you say how mad you'll be if Bane doesn't break Batman's back. Drink twice if Batman's back gets his back broken.
• When you realize the having Morgan Freeman narrate your life or death, or any other moment in your life, would be amazing
• When one of your favorite characters die. Drink twice if they come close to dying.
• When you recognize a cast member from Inception
• Hines Ward. Drink twice if you don't know who Hines Ward is
• When you leave the theater and you proclaim that it was the greatest movie ever

P.S. Anne Hathaway is not to be taken seriously as an actress. She's buying her way into these roles because she's the Princess of Genovia. 

Thoughts I Couldn't Flesh Out Into Full Entries

• I absolutely hate it when someone asks me a question like they already know the answer. Whether they know it or not. Is this some sort of intimidation tactic? Is it effective? If you want to know what happened at a specific point in time, just ask. Stop fishing for details. Because if I don't give you the answer you anticipate, or the story you want to hear, it makes me look like I'm not owning up to some actions. Whenever I am greeted with questions like this, which is almost daily, the situation in question is being made out to be a bigger issue that it needs to be.

• It baffle me when girls sacrifice comfort to be cute. There's a thick line between "appropriately dressed" and "you look fucking dumb". I went on a cruise in May, and on our first day, I saw a woman wearing jeans, heels, and the jacket from Rhythm Nation. I think I would have been more sympathetic had we been departing from New York. We were leaving from Miami though. I don't even think Miami's stray cats had on as many layers as she did. Plus she was walking like Quasimodo. I couldn't tell if it was because she was in pain OR she was about to pass out from heat stroke.

• At one point in time, we've all watched a trashy day time talk show. You see the shit that goes down on those shows?!?!? Why would you respond to a call to go on the Maury show as a guest? By the end of the day, your life will be turned asunder. If I got called to be on Maury, I'd just ignore it. Keep me ignorant. You cheated on me? Not cool, but tell me at home. Where there will be no witnesses to the mutual embarrassment or your murder.

• Now that I have an iPhone, I can't wait to drunk text and/or dial from it. I'm still getting used to typing on it, and I'm sober, so this should make for an interesting time.

  

Opinion Monday?

In a select few instances, being an asshole is completely acceptable. When it comes to Chris Brown, I feel the overwhelming need to defend him. I'm not sure why. I didn't even become a fan of his until I was walking home from Target one day and Ain't No Way came on my iPod. I fell in love with the bridge. Then he got himself into a wee bit of trouble. I guess what really bothers me about the entire situation is that people are so quick to bring it up, over three years after the fact, but there are other pressing issues in the world that go by the wayside. I don't condone what he did, but shit happens.

There are only two reasons you are not a fan of Chris Brown. The first is one night you played it for a girl and she didn't give you the panties. The other is you are a fan of Trey Songz and you realized his career is over now that Chris Brown has been "forgiven" for his past transgressions. For some unknown reason, people cannot move forward from his domestic violence dispute. People gave Breezy so much shit for throwing a chair out of the window at Good Morning America, and while it was extreme it was totally warranted. Chris was there to talk about his album FAME and Robin Roberts was bringing it up, after he specifically said he was there for the music. Which was bold of her, because if he wasn't under control, he might have laid her ass out too. I think people would prefer he threw the chair than Robin Roberts. People just took the whole thing way too seriously. Take it as a teachable moment and move on.

If you aren't a fan of Chris Brown because he put his paws on Rihanna, and not in the sexy way, let it go. Unless you are Rihanna, then you still have time in your emotionally scarred window. Using that logic, here's a short list of the many celebrities you cannot be a fan of, because they hit women:

• Jay-Z 
• Eminem
• Big Pun
• Snoop Dogg
• Tito Ortiz
• Jason Kidd
• Shawn Merriman
• Nicolas Cage
• Sean Penn

I'm just saying you need to be consistent if you're going to have an opinion.

Drinking Game Friday: Gangland

The idea for this post was stolen from my favorite, but now defunct blog, 2birds1blog. In October 2009, I was featured on Drinking Game Friday when I submitted Stephanie's and mine Golden Girls Drinking Game. I'm a little rusty with the drinking games, but bear with me.

 When I get home on Friday nights, I usually do my chores. I keep the television on for background noise, so the ghost of Bea Arthur doesn't come to steal my body and soul like she did in Insidious. Through this method, I have rediscovered my love for Gangland. My birthday is 42 days away, and I will accept this boxed set as a gift, if you didn't know what to get me. For those of you who don't watch Gangland, it's a show that shows you the inner workings of a gang. The hierarchy and business and shit. These gangs are so organized, and if these people were as smart as they believe they are, they could have gone 'legit' and been a real gang (Google: Political Parties). When I first started watching Gangland in college, I would be so into it, literally trying to decipher what is going through these people's minds and trying to learn power moves, but to me it's straight comedy. They have a formula for each episode and if you follow these instructions exactly, you can do some damage to your liver, one mini marathon at a time. So without further ado, I present to you:

Drinking Game Friday: Gangland

Take a drink:

• When the gang is introduced. Drink twice if you've heard of it, three times of you haven't
• You try to identify where you've heard the narrator's voice before.
• If you personally know someone who is in the featured gang, it counts if you heard it in a Rick Ross song
• When you  hear someone say they will die for their gang or mentions loyalty
• If you would be a victim of the gangs hate crimes
• When cops describe their war on the gang's activities
• When the gang is from a city with a good reputation
• Every time you see a chola chick with brown/black lip liner
• The cops go through all the tattoos the gang members use to identify themselves
• There's a rapper
• Some one's identity has to be protected
• The group shot
• You learn a vocabulary word in gang vernacular
• When you begin to ponder, what the actual fuck is going on in the minds of the members

Check your local listings. Happy Hangover people.

In My Humble Opinion: Kim Kardashian

Throwing shade is what I does. I'm not to be confused with a professional hater. There is just certain shit that I cannot cosign. And most of the those things involve the actions of the Kardashian Family. I find the five of them amazingly daft. But I can't escape them, so I'm just going to offer up an unwarranted commentary.

I give her credit for a lot of things. For example, she's a great business woman. She saw her flaws in the mirror, fixed them, nip/tuck style and now she's making a wonderful return on that investment. She keeps her aesthetic flawless. She's got great clothes, a great weave. She's pretty. I refuse to comment on the fact that she most of the guys she dates are black. That doesn't matter, and if you want to be bitter and make it matter, you're just proliferating the ignorance that keeps the world turning. Stop it. I'm not even going to say Kim is a hoe. She isn't. I mean, we all know she's slept with at least 9 guys. That doesn't make her, or any one, a hoe. What makes her undesirable, to me, as a person is that she is desperate. I actually used to be a fan of Kim, but that all changed in the episodes of KUWTK leading up to Khloe's wedding. There was one episode where Kris suggests that Khloe wears her old wedding dress, and Kim just takes the dress, tries it on and proceeds to whine that her and Reggie are supposed to be getting married. And from that point on I just couldn't fuck with her. It was so selfish and childish and desperate. From that point on, every thing she did pissed me off.

Everything Kim does reeks in desperation. The number one thing she does that irks me, is when she refers to children as her boyfriend. She did it with Justin Bieber, she did it during Lala's wedding, and each time, I cringe with disgust. Not only is that entirely annoying, its creepy as fuck. There was another episode, when she was still dating Reggie Bush, that she went to New Orleans, and decided to help with Hurricane Katrina clean up efforts...like five years after the fact. C'mon son.

When Kim announced that she was engaged to Kris Humphries, I thought that she could not possibly be marrying someone with the same name as her mother. She was so desperate to live out her fairytale romance that anyone could have proposed to her, and she would've accepted. Then, out of her selfishness, she ruined an otherwise good man. Personally, I believe Kris is a catch. Now, with all the controversy that their divorce has caused, he's damaged. And then there is romance with Kanye, which has got me baffled. The man is a probably one of the only geniuses we'll see in our lifetime (now that Steve Jobs is dead), and he's mixed up in this mess. Granted, he's entirely clueless when it comes to women, but this just makes no sense. Apparently, Kanye has no friends. Because if any one of us started dating "Poison", our friends would have a round table intervention to find what it is about this person that makes them a decent choice for a life partner.

I'm sure Kim does have some redeeming qualities, but I know her as a celebrity, not as a human, so I can only comment on what I know. I just happen to think she's a pretty, desperate, delusional, business woman with great clothes....in my humble opinion.  

the sound of your pulse makes my blood boil

you yell constantly; one day
i hope to accept this as
a loving gesture

Nine

He conquered my spirit. I am not myself when he is present. I am not the boisterous, laughing quick witted girl everyone knows me to be. I am scared fragile & worst of all I am self conscious

He is entitled to all of me. The relics of my soul are offered up as sacrifice at the base of an imaginary pedestal miles above me. None of them are good enough to penetrate the shield with which he guards himself

My fear is that I will never be good enough for him. That he will never accept me. It aches me. I surrendered control to him undeserved. A power he will always have when this season had passed