Like most people, I spent a ridiculous amount of time on the Internet. About 80% of this time is spent on social media sites; Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, all that. By the time I close my laptop, who has his own space in my bed for easy access, I feel robbed of my time and annoyed by all the girls out here committing some Social Media felonies. I want to say that I hate all these types of people, but I might have been one in a past network. They still annoy me though.
1. The Patient
The only unwritten rule to the Internet is: Don't use social media as therapy. The occasional rant about a random topic or injustice is okay. Everything in excess of that is wrong. It is inevitable that one day 'he' will break your heart, or your best friend will stab you in the back. But posting a status about it will not make you seem like a cool person I want to be around. It turns you into one of those poorly lit episodes of an otherwise cheery sitcom. The ones who gt soap opera lighting when someone dies or it addresses a real issue, like gang violence. No one likes those episodes, that's why they don't get played when the show is syndicated.
2. The Relationship Guru
These girls tend to be single or a side chick, with daddy issues, and she travels in packs, with like minded individuals. Yet she has the answers to all your relationship woes. If you are single, you are NOT qualified to dispense relationship advice. She's also always saving herself for Mr. Right(usually a commercially unsuccessful R&B singer or Chris Brown), until a flavor of the week shows a slight interest. After 4 hours, she's in love. Said "relationships" last less than a month when she can't get the commitment she wants from a guy. Then she reverts to The Patient. These girls are trapped in a vicious cycle of lonely, and while it IS entertaining to watch, it is just plain sad. Also, she's VERY fond of Drake lyrics.
3. The Gender Honor Role
After numerous post as to why men can't satisfy them at all...ever, for some reason or another, these girls think its cute to let the whole world know that they can cook and clean, because apparently they want to be the inspiration for Lifetime movies. Their statuses are usually "Spent the whole day cooking and cleaning. I'm going to make the best housewife". Ironically, most of my friends who post things like this I met in college. So congratulations on messing up your credit score, with student loans for you to just be a housewife. Please note my heavy sarcasm. These girls tend to post pictures of the food they cook, which usually looks unappetizing, and entirely unhealthy.
4.The Boyfriend's Girlfriend
If you ask me, these girls are the most offensive. I'm not saying that because I'm single and bitter (I'm totally not single and bitter...seriously). I'm saying because once you're over the age of 20, the baby talk has got to go. You can spot these girls by the posts about things they do with their hubby. Hubby is just a relationship that lasted longer than you expected. And now that our lives are completely digital, what better way to show your love than with both of you in your profile picture. In a few rare instances, these are serious relationships, but those girls tend to not air their business out.
5. The Urban Model Impresario
You know what clubs you can find this girl in on any given night. She's got a guest list that you can get on if you text her that night. She's essentially a poor man's Draya. More than likely, this girl had a baby right out of high school in an attempt to trap a man who left her anyways. She's generally pretty, but nothing outstanding. She'll flex her airbrushed model pictures online to receive likes and comments, stating how good she looks. And it's been my personal experience they want accolades for things that need no applause. So you went to the club on Sunday night, and got your kid to school on time on Monday, like you were supposed to, but you want some praise? Bitch bye.
6.The Anti Girl
Better known as the Kneecap Cuddler. Apparently someone told this girl it was cute to bash other women. She refers to women as "females", and doesn't have a lot of female friends because they're too catty. She's often retweeted for speaking truths. But her pellucid attempts to amass male cosigners, show that she's trying to be different, and not the good kind.
7.The Self-sploitater
Vanity is an alleged sin, but these girls have no limit to the amount of SeLfiiEz they post. No filter, no make up, no one cares.
8.The Self Loather
These girls appear to be the opposite of the Self-slpoitater, but they're the same. The just go about their thirst differently. Appearing to have low self esteem is a sure fire way to get attention. These girls cut across the street, if you know what I mean. They tend to post captions like "Why does everyone tell me I'm pretty? I'm hideous". When I click that like button, I'm agreeing with you, you are hideous. Has having low self esteem ever worked for anyone?
9.The Overtly Sexual Personality
A combination of 5,6,7 and 8 and her cooter probably smells like earring backs.
There you have it. Nine girls who we all have the displeasure of seeing on our time lines.
1. The Patient
The only unwritten rule to the Internet is: Don't use social media as therapy. The occasional rant about a random topic or injustice is okay. Everything in excess of that is wrong. It is inevitable that one day 'he' will break your heart, or your best friend will stab you in the back. But posting a status about it will not make you seem like a cool person I want to be around. It turns you into one of those poorly lit episodes of an otherwise cheery sitcom. The ones who gt soap opera lighting when someone dies or it addresses a real issue, like gang violence. No one likes those episodes, that's why they don't get played when the show is syndicated.
2. The Relationship Guru
These girls tend to be single or a side chick, with daddy issues, and she travels in packs, with like minded individuals. Yet she has the answers to all your relationship woes. If you are single, you are NOT qualified to dispense relationship advice. She's also always saving herself for Mr. Right(usually a commercially unsuccessful R&B singer or Chris Brown), until a flavor of the week shows a slight interest. After 4 hours, she's in love. Said "relationships" last less than a month when she can't get the commitment she wants from a guy. Then she reverts to The Patient. These girls are trapped in a vicious cycle of lonely, and while it IS entertaining to watch, it is just plain sad. Also, she's VERY fond of Drake lyrics.
3. The Gender Honor Role
After numerous post as to why men can't satisfy them at all...ever, for some reason or another, these girls think its cute to let the whole world know that they can cook and clean, because apparently they want to be the inspiration for Lifetime movies. Their statuses are usually "Spent the whole day cooking and cleaning. I'm going to make the best housewife". Ironically, most of my friends who post things like this I met in college. So congratulations on messing up your credit score, with student loans for you to just be a housewife. Please note my heavy sarcasm. These girls tend to post pictures of the food they cook, which usually looks unappetizing, and entirely unhealthy.
4.The Boyfriend's Girlfriend
If you ask me, these girls are the most offensive. I'm not saying that because I'm single and bitter (I'm totally not single and bitter...seriously). I'm saying because once you're over the age of 20, the baby talk has got to go. You can spot these girls by the posts about things they do with their hubby. Hubby is just a relationship that lasted longer than you expected. And now that our lives are completely digital, what better way to show your love than with both of you in your profile picture. In a few rare instances, these are serious relationships, but those girls tend to not air their business out.
5. The Urban Model Impresario
You know what clubs you can find this girl in on any given night. She's got a guest list that you can get on if you text her that night. She's essentially a poor man's Draya. More than likely, this girl had a baby right out of high school in an attempt to trap a man who left her anyways. She's generally pretty, but nothing outstanding. She'll flex her airbrushed model pictures online to receive likes and comments, stating how good she looks. And it's been my personal experience they want accolades for things that need no applause. So you went to the club on Sunday night, and got your kid to school on time on Monday, like you were supposed to, but you want some praise? Bitch bye.
6.The Anti Girl
Better known as the Kneecap Cuddler. Apparently someone told this girl it was cute to bash other women. She refers to women as "females", and doesn't have a lot of female friends because they're too catty. She's often retweeted for speaking truths. But her pellucid attempts to amass male cosigners, show that she's trying to be different, and not the good kind.
7.The Self-sploitater
Vanity is an alleged sin, but these girls have no limit to the amount of SeLfiiEz they post. No filter, no make up, no one cares.
8.The Self Loather
These girls appear to be the opposite of the Self-slpoitater, but they're the same. The just go about their thirst differently. Appearing to have low self esteem is a sure fire way to get attention. These girls cut across the street, if you know what I mean. They tend to post captions like "Why does everyone tell me I'm pretty? I'm hideous". When I click that like button, I'm agreeing with you, you are hideous. Has having low self esteem ever worked for anyone?
9.The Overtly Sexual Personality
A combination of 5,6,7 and 8 and her cooter probably smells like earring backs.
There you have it. Nine girls who we all have the displeasure of seeing on our time lines.
*slow claps* sadly, this describes virtually every female I've ever known. I'm in there somewhere, a strange and disproportionate combination of the Selfsploitater and the Anti-girl. Tina Fey would be so proud.
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