Suit and Why?

In an ancient diary of mine, I have a five pieces of confetti, that I saved from the second concert I had ever been to. It was at Nassau Coliseum on a school night, and I was exponentially cooler than anyone I knew because I got to see NSYNC. It was in that moment, that I became forever a part of the Teenie Bopper generation. To this day, I love my boy bands; Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, O-Town, and even (but regrettably) B2K. Fast forward to the summer of 2006, I was fresh out of high school, in love and ready to take on the adult world, and the song that defined that summer was Sexy Back. To this day, the entire album of FutureSex/LoveSongs bangs uncontrollably. I was so in love with that album, that the aforementioned boyfriend was jealous of the musical stylings of Sir Timberlake.

JT went on hiatus. The only time I could get my boy band fix was when ABDC or an episode of Fairly OddParents with Chip Skylark was on. I did go see him on tour, in August 2007. It was one of the best concerts I've seen, full of nostalgia and funky rhythms. It also set a VERY false precedent in my head that the next Justin Timberlake album is just a few years away, and that needn't worry, he'll take it from here. But the years passed, and nothing from JT, except a little feature here and there. I held onto his words because Justin knew me when I wasn't a girl, not yet a woman. I mean The Lonely Island could only do so much? Its like Motherlover was the ring a scumbag typeguy gives you to shut you up, not because he really wants to marry you. I even went so far to say that In Time was a great piece of cinema. I was singing Gone, to the dvd cover as I cuddled my kneecaps.

Imagine how excited I was when I saw on my Twitter timeline that he was releasing new music. I figuratively peed everywhere. It was finally about to happen. Justin was gonna save me from my addiction to Robin Thicke, and show us how it's really done. Sunday night, I saw that he had finally released this new song. I gave it a listen and all I have to say is:

ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!

I was already a little bit skeptical, because I'm still suffering from second hand embarrassment from the lack of NSYNC members, at JT's recent nuptials to Jessica Biel. I put all that aside to form an unbiased opinion. I realize that you can't please everyone. But Sade, the Vampire of Smooth Jazz, comes out with a new album once every 600 years and that shit always bangs. ALWAYS!  Justin Timberlake  literally had one job to do, he had to make a hit. He even featured Jay-Z, my nemesis, on the record, which guarantees at least half of his sheep fans will say its the hardest shit out right now. And he failed miserably.
I'm not even looking forward to the album if this is what he's serving. He took a chance, so I have to give him a little credit [cough cough where you at Lauryn Hill] right? Has he lost his touch because I'm older? Because he's older? Because he's married? I had so many questions that couldn't be answered. I just laid in the fetal position, and contemplated if my whole life was lie.

This song is straight trash. The lyrics aren't really saying anything. His flow is all off. He doesn't sound all smooth and mellow. Maybe I filled the void he left with Mike Posner. If I had to grade this song, it's gonna be D....plus.

So this is what you're into?

According to my schedule, I was supposed to write about clothing that I didn't understand today, but the universe finally wants me to be great, and I found something better. So Sunday night, I'm crawling into bed, ready to just channel surf, and I thought "I would really like to see an episode of Four Hating Ass Brides Weddings right now", I tuned into channel 28, and what I saw was nothing short of spectacularly ghetto.

Best Funeral Ever. Worst show on television. Chock full of laffs, and totally ignorant. And I should know, the only time my television isn't on is when I'm not home. For those of you who have better things to do than watch this, let me fill you in. John Beckwith Jr is the CEO of Golden Gate Funeral Home, in Houston Texas. His mission is to give people...black people...mourning black people...a new take on the traditional home-going celebration. I've deduced that a home-going is different than a funeral because its more of a party honoring the life of the deceased. Think My Super Sweet 16 meets My Fair Wedding meets funerals. He and his staff move hell and high water to make these people's wishes come true.

It debuted on December 26th, but they didn't clarify if this the premier. At the beginning of this episode, the introduce the main wedding planners. Every last woman on the show got some teeth, word to Obie Trice. Each one had a lisp, gap, grill, cap or a combination of at least two. They were planning three funerals. One with a Christmas theme that I forgot about twice, because it was wack, and the planner Trenard got on my nerves. Another for Wolf McCoy Johnson, who sang the Chili's ribs song, and Jerry McGowan, a man after my own heart with his love for county fairs.

I was done with show several times. But the first time I was done was when Mr. Beckwith was instructing a class of professional mourners. Apparently the practice of professional mourners dates back to the book of Amos, and their purpose is to give the family a kick start into mourning. This isn't your everyday crying, and throwing your body on the casket dramatics. This is an actual science So they taught this class. Mourning feet, tornado mourn, comparable to white kid temper tantrum in a supermarket after being told they couldn't get the cookie crisps.

The first celebration was the funeral of Wolf McCoy, who sang the Chili's song (totally thought NSYNC did that), The casket was shaped like a meat smoker. I was done, like a slab of ribs in the smoker after 14 hours. I was tender as fuck (from all that laughter). His eulogy was delivered by Southern Black Pastor from Anywhere, USA. I was done, for the second time, when at the end of the eulogy the pastor says "I don't know about you, but I want my baby back, baby back BABY BACK RIBS". I died. That was the queue to a rendition of Revelations with Fred Flintstone's take out ribs. I thought it couldn't get any worse. But then, at the end of the funeral, instead of laying roses on the coffin or whatever normal people do, they dipped ribs in some sauce. Not a joke. They took a riblet, dipped it a barbecue sauce fondue, and ate the riblet. WHAT?!?! I had to stick around to see if the other funeral was just as outrageous.

I was actually uplifted behind the sentiment of Jerry's funeral. He was born with spinal bifida, and had never been able to ride any of the rides at the fair. But he loved going to county fairs. At first, the family was going to have fair themed party, but his sister asked if they could have the service at the fair. They hadn't clarified that Jerry was going to be cremated, and I thought that they were really going to have a dead body, laid out in Texan heat, at a fair. Then I saw that gaudy ass three wise men looking urn from Pier 1, strapped to a Baby Bjorn on the bumper cars of the East Texas county fair. They went too far. They played ring toss with the urn. I had no choice but to be addicted.

I don't think that I'll be tuning into this show on a regular basis, but please believe I will watch all the episodes on OnDemand. But thank you TLC for all the learning.