According to my schedule, I was supposed to write about clothing that I didn't understand today, but the universe finally wants me to be great, and I found something better. So Sunday night, I'm crawling into bed, ready to just channel surf, and I thought "I would really like to see an episode of Four Hating Ass Brides Weddings right now", I tuned into channel 28, and what I saw was nothing short of spectacularly ghetto.
Best Funeral Ever. Worst show on television. Chock full of laffs, and totally ignorant. And I should know, the only time my television isn't on is when I'm not home. For those of you who have better things to do than watch this, let me fill you in. John Beckwith Jr is the CEO of Golden Gate Funeral Home, in Houston Texas. His mission is to give people...black people...mourning black people...a new take on the traditional home-going celebration. I've deduced that a home-going is different than a funeral because its more of a party honoring the life of the deceased. Think My Super Sweet 16 meets My Fair Wedding meets funerals. He and his staff move hell and high water to make these people's wishes come true.
It debuted on December 26th, but they didn't clarify if this the premier. At the beginning of this episode, the introduce the main wedding planners. Every last woman on the show got some teeth, word to Obie Trice. Each one had a lisp, gap, grill, cap or a combination of at least two. They were planning three funerals. One with a Christmas theme that I forgot about twice, because it was wack, and the planner Trenard got on my nerves. Another for Wolf McCoy Johnson, who sang the Chili's ribs song, and Jerry McGowan, a man after my own heart with his love for county fairs.
I was done with show several times. But the first time I was done was when Mr. Beckwith was instructing a class of professional mourners. Apparently the practice of professional mourners dates back to the book of Amos, and their purpose is to give the family a kick start into mourning. This isn't your everyday crying, and throwing your body on the casket dramatics. This is an actual science So they taught this class. Mourning feet, tornado mourn, comparable to white kid temper tantrum in a supermarket after being told they couldn't get the cookie crisps.
The first celebration was the funeral of Wolf McCoy, who sang the Chili's song (totally thought NSYNC did that), The casket was shaped like a meat smoker. I was done, like a slab of ribs in the smoker after 14 hours. I was tender as fuck (from all that laughter). His eulogy was delivered by Southern Black Pastor from Anywhere, USA. I was done, for the second time, when at the end of the eulogy the pastor says "I don't know about you, but I want my baby back, baby back BABY BACK RIBS". I died. That was the queue to a rendition of Revelations with Fred Flintstone's take out ribs. I thought it couldn't get any worse. But then, at the end of the funeral, instead of laying roses on the coffin or whatever normal people do, they dipped ribs in some sauce. Not a joke. They took a riblet, dipped it a barbecue sauce fondue, and ate the riblet. WHAT?!?! I had to stick around to see if the other funeral was just as outrageous.
I was actually uplifted behind the sentiment of Jerry's funeral. He was born with spinal bifida, and had never been able to ride any of the rides at the fair. But he loved going to county fairs. At first, the family was going to have fair themed party, but his sister asked if they could have the service at the fair. They hadn't clarified that Jerry was going to be cremated, and I thought that they were really going to have a dead body, laid out in Texan heat, at a fair. Then I saw that gaudy ass three wise men looking urn from Pier 1, strapped to a Baby Bjorn on the bumper cars of the East Texas county fair. They went too far. They played ring toss with the urn. I had no choice but to be addicted.
I don't think that I'll be tuning into this show on a regular basis, but please believe I will watch all the episodes on OnDemand. But thank you TLC for all the learning.
It debuted on December 26th, but they didn't clarify if this the premier. At the beginning of this episode, the introduce the main wedding planners. Every last woman on the show got some teeth, word to Obie Trice. Each one had a lisp, gap, grill, cap or a combination of at least two. They were planning three funerals. One with a Christmas theme that I forgot about twice, because it was wack, and the planner Trenard got on my nerves. Another for Wolf McCoy Johnson, who sang the Chili's ribs song, and Jerry McGowan, a man after my own heart with his love for county fairs.
I was done with show several times. But the first time I was done was when Mr. Beckwith was instructing a class of professional mourners. Apparently the practice of professional mourners dates back to the book of Amos, and their purpose is to give the family a kick start into mourning. This isn't your everyday crying, and throwing your body on the casket dramatics. This is an actual science So they taught this class. Mourning feet, tornado mourn, comparable to white kid temper tantrum in a supermarket after being told they couldn't get the cookie crisps.
The first celebration was the funeral of Wolf McCoy, who sang the Chili's song (totally thought NSYNC did that), The casket was shaped like a meat smoker. I was done, like a slab of ribs in the smoker after 14 hours. I was tender as fuck (from all that laughter). His eulogy was delivered by Southern Black Pastor from Anywhere, USA. I was done, for the second time, when at the end of the eulogy the pastor says "I don't know about you, but I want my baby back, baby back BABY BACK RIBS". I died. That was the queue to a rendition of Revelations with Fred Flintstone's take out ribs. I thought it couldn't get any worse. But then, at the end of the funeral, instead of laying roses on the coffin or whatever normal people do, they dipped ribs in some sauce. Not a joke. They took a riblet, dipped it a barbecue sauce fondue, and ate the riblet. WHAT?!?! I had to stick around to see if the other funeral was just as outrageous.
I was actually uplifted behind the sentiment of Jerry's funeral. He was born with spinal bifida, and had never been able to ride any of the rides at the fair. But he loved going to county fairs. At first, the family was going to have fair themed party, but his sister asked if they could have the service at the fair. They hadn't clarified that Jerry was going to be cremated, and I thought that they were really going to have a dead body, laid out in Texan heat, at a fair. Then I saw that gaudy ass three wise men looking urn from Pier 1, strapped to a Baby Bjorn on the bumper cars of the East Texas county fair. They went too far. They played ring toss with the urn. I had no choice but to be addicted.
I don't think that I'll be tuning into this show on a regular basis, but please believe I will watch all the episodes on OnDemand. But thank you TLC for all the learning.
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