6 Things I think are Passe

Music Snobbery. Listen, I don’t think you’re any cooler because you were a fan of this band when they weren’t popular, so get the condescending tone out of your voice when you ask me if I even heard the underground shit they did with Skam. I don’t care. Just offer up what you think I’d enjoy based on my ravings, and let a bitch live. Please note, that if I don’t like someone who you like, I’m not a hater. I just have a different preference. And if you still feel the need to criticize my love for someone, I need you to criticize all my favorite things; like my favorite color and food. I don’t even debate music anymore because people are so quick to call me a hater. I find it pretty funny that the people who are so quick to judge my music tastes, tend to be rappers with day jobs.

Selling Mary Kay. How is this still a thing? I’ve never used a Mary Kay product in my life, mostly because I don’t even know where to find someone who still sells Mary Kay. I respect [almost] everyone’s hustle, but you have to had a come up by now. Adapt and do better. It’s 2013

Gang Violence.  I look like a hypocrite saying this because I am an avid watcher of Gangland. My birthday is seven weeks away and if you’re pressed about what to get me, Gangland DVDs will suffice. But for one, be a parent and talk to your kids about these things. Gang violence is just really something I couldn’t mentally get into…physically either because there is nothing appealing about being beat up or raped to be a part of a crowd. That’s just me though.

People hating hair. Specifically men who have this aversion to pubic hair. Why? I don’t know who, but some one, some place at some time decided to fuck the game up by perpetuating this idea that a woman should at a moments notice have a hairless, velveteen snatch. And that person has got to go. No matter your preferred method, it is torture. On the list of things I enjoy, you will find “surrendering my lady bits to a tiny Eurasian woman with super human strength and wax” very close to the end. I can’t really grasp women who hate chest hair either. I love chest hair…think Bruce Willis in Die Hard, or Alec Baldwin. That’s sexy as hell to me. The naked mole rat thing? Not so much.  

Suicide. Okay, not to sound insensitive, but suicide is the total opposite of a good idea. I totally get that during our formative years in the 90s, suicide was a thing. It was in every teen movie, and was kind of popular among musicians. Often times, I say that I’m very close to going Sylvia Plath in this bitch, but it’s a WHOLE lot of bullshit. Mostly because I’m a coward. But also, too many people love me for me to just end it all because I’m battling some inner conflict. Plus there is nothing that is so terrible to drive me to kill myself. These days, you can function, no matter what your affliction. I think an exception to this rule is if you are terminally ill. Then it is totally up to you. I know that if the day ever came [and hopefully it won’t come for a long time] that I were unable to do for myself a la Terri Schiavo, just take me out AND don’t show me on TV.

The “Illuminati”. If you ever have a conversation with me, and bring up the Illuminati to me in a not ironic way. I will assume you are as stupid as they come. I won’t even take you seriously. Everything you say from that point on will be a joke. So I hope you don’t have a seizure or anything, cuz it’s considered a joke. Maybe a secret society of people who worship a pagan deity and are successful because of it. I just don’t believe it, and maybe that’s what they want me to think. But I’ve never believed in anything so much to be pressed to prove its existence to others around me. 

so you have a friend who's single...

Amongst my friends, I am The Single One. I was fine with this until about two months ago when I realized that being single gives me an enormous amount of anxiety around them. I can hold my own in my group of friends, and enjoy my time with them. Now that they are all boo’d up, our group dynamic has shifted, to all the couples and a Kelli. Part of this is my fault, because I have chosen to be single for the last x-amount of years. I guess everyone has a time that’s “their time” to be single.  For me, it’s now. Hopefully, it won’t be much longer. I’ve adapted to single life, and developed a thick skin to some of these scenarios. But here are a few friendly reminders to those of you who have single friends:

• Unless your SF expresses an interest in someone in particular, do NOT try to put him or her on with another one of your single friends. These situations always begin with the same phrase, “I know this guy who would be great for you!” You might have thought you knew a guy, and you thought wrong. It never works. Never.I still go out on these types of dates for a few reasons. Mainly, that I need writing material for my future long, NYT Best Selling, Kennedy Center Honors winning career AND I’m not above a mediocre free meal and pregnant pauses in chit chat.
• If your single friend is having too much casual sex for your liking, keep that shit to yourself. Unless they are you know being unsafe ab. But if they’re just a squirrel trying to get a nut, let them live. Don’t clock their shit. Eventually you’ll sound like you are just jealous because you’re only touching one person for the foreseeable future. They’ve made their choice.  Be a pal and just hope that if their having sex, that it is good sex.
• Anyone who is currently single has probably had a past love that they will always love. Lord knows I do. Don’t pressure them to try and reconcile with that person. It didn’t work out for a reason, and maybe they just aren’t a good together. Will they always love that person? Yes. But it’s over. Don’t beat a dead horse. After your first real break up, you learn that the sun will rise, and life goes on.
• Don’t seek relationship advice or bitch about your relationship woes to your SF, unless they’ve been through that issue. We don’t want to hear that shit. Not only is it depressing as fuck. It sort of puts us in a weird headspace about being in a relationship. Also, it’s kind of weird when an SF offers you advice to a hurting friend. Once the you’re-Single-So-How-Do-You-Know card gets thrown out, there is no taking it back. It hurts. So just avoid that whole predicament entirely.
• If you are planning a group outing that will consist of an odd number of people, let your SF know beforehand. That way they can decline the invitation if they just aren’t feeling the love that day. Don’t be offended if SF declines this invitation. It’s nothing personal. It is just awkward as fuck when every one is hugged up in the movie theater, and SF is eating their big ass popcorn and soda looking lonely as fuck. Of course, your SF can invite someone to be their date, but if they aren’t romantically involved with them, that sitch is also awkward as fuck. Their date will totally notice it’s a singles thing and that while they are not on a date, they are on a date.
• If your SF goes on a date, they’re obviously excited and nervous about it all. The worst thing you can do to your SF is start to sell them a dream “He/she may be the one” should never leave your mouth; especially if you set your SF up with this person. I can’t stand a bitch trying to make a sale. It cheapens the product. Whenever this happens to me, I assume my date is wack and needs to be up sold, and it doesn’t work out.
• Last but not least, if your SF is griping to you about being single, don’t tell them that they will find someone eventually. Everyone finds someone eventually. That’s why that shit is eventual. Your SF has being holding their shit down for a minute. They’re okay by themselves and not less of a person for going through the meanwhile alone.

I’m not saying that us single people form a Single People Couple Haters Club trying to sabotage those of you who are outchea trying to get your Alfalfa and Darla on. Just keep these tips in mind.

Suit and Why?

In an ancient diary of mine, I have a five pieces of confetti, that I saved from the second concert I had ever been to. It was at Nassau Coliseum on a school night, and I was exponentially cooler than anyone I knew because I got to see NSYNC. It was in that moment, that I became forever a part of the Teenie Bopper generation. To this day, I love my boy bands; Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, O-Town, and even (but regrettably) B2K. Fast forward to the summer of 2006, I was fresh out of high school, in love and ready to take on the adult world, and the song that defined that summer was Sexy Back. To this day, the entire album of FutureSex/LoveSongs bangs uncontrollably. I was so in love with that album, that the aforementioned boyfriend was jealous of the musical stylings of Sir Timberlake.

JT went on hiatus. The only time I could get my boy band fix was when ABDC or an episode of Fairly OddParents with Chip Skylark was on. I did go see him on tour, in August 2007. It was one of the best concerts I've seen, full of nostalgia and funky rhythms. It also set a VERY false precedent in my head that the next Justin Timberlake album is just a few years away, and that needn't worry, he'll take it from here. But the years passed, and nothing from JT, except a little feature here and there. I held onto his words because Justin knew me when I wasn't a girl, not yet a woman. I mean The Lonely Island could only do so much? Its like Motherlover was the ring a scumbag typeguy gives you to shut you up, not because he really wants to marry you. I even went so far to say that In Time was a great piece of cinema. I was singing Gone, to the dvd cover as I cuddled my kneecaps.

Imagine how excited I was when I saw on my Twitter timeline that he was releasing new music. I figuratively peed everywhere. It was finally about to happen. Justin was gonna save me from my addiction to Robin Thicke, and show us how it's really done. Sunday night, I saw that he had finally released this new song. I gave it a listen and all I have to say is:

ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!

I was already a little bit skeptical, because I'm still suffering from second hand embarrassment from the lack of NSYNC members, at JT's recent nuptials to Jessica Biel. I put all that aside to form an unbiased opinion. I realize that you can't please everyone. But Sade, the Vampire of Smooth Jazz, comes out with a new album once every 600 years and that shit always bangs. ALWAYS!  Justin Timberlake  literally had one job to do, he had to make a hit. He even featured Jay-Z, my nemesis, on the record, which guarantees at least half of his sheep fans will say its the hardest shit out right now. And he failed miserably.
I'm not even looking forward to the album if this is what he's serving. He took a chance, so I have to give him a little credit [cough cough where you at Lauryn Hill] right? Has he lost his touch because I'm older? Because he's older? Because he's married? I had so many questions that couldn't be answered. I just laid in the fetal position, and contemplated if my whole life was lie.

This song is straight trash. The lyrics aren't really saying anything. His flow is all off. He doesn't sound all smooth and mellow. Maybe I filled the void he left with Mike Posner. If I had to grade this song, it's gonna be D....plus.

So this is what you're into?

According to my schedule, I was supposed to write about clothing that I didn't understand today, but the universe finally wants me to be great, and I found something better. So Sunday night, I'm crawling into bed, ready to just channel surf, and I thought "I would really like to see an episode of Four Hating Ass Brides Weddings right now", I tuned into channel 28, and what I saw was nothing short of spectacularly ghetto.

Best Funeral Ever. Worst show on television. Chock full of laffs, and totally ignorant. And I should know, the only time my television isn't on is when I'm not home. For those of you who have better things to do than watch this, let me fill you in. John Beckwith Jr is the CEO of Golden Gate Funeral Home, in Houston Texas. His mission is to give people...black people...mourning black people...a new take on the traditional home-going celebration. I've deduced that a home-going is different than a funeral because its more of a party honoring the life of the deceased. Think My Super Sweet 16 meets My Fair Wedding meets funerals. He and his staff move hell and high water to make these people's wishes come true.

It debuted on December 26th, but they didn't clarify if this the premier. At the beginning of this episode, the introduce the main wedding planners. Every last woman on the show got some teeth, word to Obie Trice. Each one had a lisp, gap, grill, cap or a combination of at least two. They were planning three funerals. One with a Christmas theme that I forgot about twice, because it was wack, and the planner Trenard got on my nerves. Another for Wolf McCoy Johnson, who sang the Chili's ribs song, and Jerry McGowan, a man after my own heart with his love for county fairs.

I was done with show several times. But the first time I was done was when Mr. Beckwith was instructing a class of professional mourners. Apparently the practice of professional mourners dates back to the book of Amos, and their purpose is to give the family a kick start into mourning. This isn't your everyday crying, and throwing your body on the casket dramatics. This is an actual science So they taught this class. Mourning feet, tornado mourn, comparable to white kid temper tantrum in a supermarket after being told they couldn't get the cookie crisps.

The first celebration was the funeral of Wolf McCoy, who sang the Chili's song (totally thought NSYNC did that), The casket was shaped like a meat smoker. I was done, like a slab of ribs in the smoker after 14 hours. I was tender as fuck (from all that laughter). His eulogy was delivered by Southern Black Pastor from Anywhere, USA. I was done, for the second time, when at the end of the eulogy the pastor says "I don't know about you, but I want my baby back, baby back BABY BACK RIBS". I died. That was the queue to a rendition of Revelations with Fred Flintstone's take out ribs. I thought it couldn't get any worse. But then, at the end of the funeral, instead of laying roses on the coffin or whatever normal people do, they dipped ribs in some sauce. Not a joke. They took a riblet, dipped it a barbecue sauce fondue, and ate the riblet. WHAT?!?! I had to stick around to see if the other funeral was just as outrageous.

I was actually uplifted behind the sentiment of Jerry's funeral. He was born with spinal bifida, and had never been able to ride any of the rides at the fair. But he loved going to county fairs. At first, the family was going to have fair themed party, but his sister asked if they could have the service at the fair. They hadn't clarified that Jerry was going to be cremated, and I thought that they were really going to have a dead body, laid out in Texan heat, at a fair. Then I saw that gaudy ass three wise men looking urn from Pier 1, strapped to a Baby Bjorn on the bumper cars of the East Texas county fair. They went too far. They played ring toss with the urn. I had no choice but to be addicted.

I don't think that I'll be tuning into this show on a regular basis, but please believe I will watch all the episodes on OnDemand. But thank you TLC for all the learning.

She Got One Of Your Kids, Gotchu For 18 Years...

This morning at about 3:50, my disrespectful cat woke me up because he needed to be fed. After putting some food in his bowl, and crawling back into bed, I picked up my phone to see if I missed any calls or texts. I didn't. So I checked my Twitter to see what foolery was afoot on my timeline. And there it was...the news that Kimye is spawning. Eww. I was furious. When I first found out that they were dating, I gave it a chance. I thought if Kanye sees something in Kim, then maybe I will too. I thought wrong. Then it started to get serious, and I was like "Ye stop this foolishness, and go on home". But when I woke up this morning to find out that they were bringing a child into this world, I wanted to go Sylvia Plath is this bitch. but mostly because this baby money than I'll ever see.

Kim is about that paper, and The Ultimate Groupie Come Up story will be one to inspire many teenage wannabe and other come ups pregnancies. She's no different from anyone on a Ratchet Monday VH1 cast list. She'll find a way to pimp this situation into a kash kow [See what I did there], and  I'm sure we'll get a labor and delivery special on E!. ButThis was bound to happen. If you look at the net worth of her past lovers, she's reached her apex and can do no better. I've limited my list to actual relationships, in chronological order, because I have other things to do.*

1. Ray J: $6 mil
2. Nick Lachey: $12 mil
3. Nick Cannon: $15 mil plus $70,00 per episode of whatever he's on these days
4. Reggie Bush: $14 mil
5. Miles Austin $12.5 mil
6. Kris Humphries: $16.9 mil
7. Kanye: $90 mil

Even though I think her entire existence is a farce, a kongratulations is in order to the parents to be. Pregnancy is a blessing, and no doubt the worst part of it will be when he has to look at her cry face when she has a mood swing. I wish them some sort of normalcy, because between Ye's temper tantrums, and Kim's feels, that child is going to be driven crazy. But then there is the whole issue of what they'll name this baby. If it's a boy, I'm thinking: K'anye, Konquer, Omari Dash, Robert, Sean Corey Carter or Yeezus Christ (jk on the last two...but seriously). If it's girl, I'm thinking Donda Dash. But you never know with these two.

If they do decide to get married, I hope that Kanye considers that 100% of Kim's past marriages have ended in divorce. Even though, technically, she's still married.

*As I was typing that list, I realized she's got enough exes, and Kanye's done enough samples and remixes that I can play Six Degrees of Kimye Jr. so text me or tweet me a celeb and I'll relate it to Kimye Jr.

But let me ask you a question though Mr. Tarantino...

What the whole single actual everlasting what, tho!?!?

As a self proclaimed and slightly pretentious cinephile, I've seen a few Tarantino flicks in my day.He's had a few gems, like Pulp Fiction, Inglorious Basterds and Reservoir Dogs. If you look through my Twitter feed, you will find several tweets regarding my enthusiasm for Django Unchained. Maybe I went into this with a few too many expectations. It had the utmost potential. An a list director, Leo the GOAT, Sam Jackson the Black GOAT and lots and lots of blood. Even in the trailers, it looked like it was going to be the best movie of the year. I was so disappointed. I walked out of that theater the way Murray walks into parties in The Valley. Its not that I hated Django Unchained, I just found more things I didn't like, than ones I did like.

The story for DU is great. Its about a slave, who is granted his freedom after assisting, bounty hunter Dr. King Schultz, with killing some plantation overseers. Once they kill the overseers, Django decides he's going to go to the auction where him and his wife were sold to buy her freedom. One night as the two converse around the camp fire, Django shares his plan with Schultz. Feeling intrigued and altruistic, Django's last owner, turned bounty partner, decides to aide Django on his quest to find his wife, as it would be easier to do that as a white man in the south. They get to the records office and find that she is has been bought by Calvin Candie, an eccentric Francophile slave owner. Together, they devise a plan to get to Mr. Candie, and to his plantation, CandieLand (Hahaha wooo -_-). Things go awry, people die. Kerry Washington makes a few faces. More people die. Fin.

I would have liked DU more, had the story been told in less time. I mean I have a smart phone, and as a result, a very short attention span. I need the end to be as close to the beginning [Please note that this excludes Sci-Fi and fantasy] as humanly possible. It took about an hour for Leonardo DiCaprio to show up. I was less than thrilled about that. The scene where they ride to CandieLand was at  least 40 whole minutes of the movie...and on that ride, nothing happens. I mean nothing. The rest of the movie is pretty uneventful. The killing is in typical Tarantino fashion with lots of violence, and blood.

Kerry Washington, as an actress is a waste of vital organs. I'm saddened and perplexed as to why she was paid for this. I feel like they could have gotten someone less famous with a better range of acting, Like Jurnee Smollett or Zoe Kravitz to say all two of her lines, and scream a bit. Apparently, she's a top actress due to Scandal [Whatever that is]. We all knew her acting was Kerry's distress face is only rivaled by Trey Songz sanging face, Kim K's cry face, Farrah's cry face and the face Stephon Marbury makes when he listens to R.Kelly.

But you should check it out, and see for yourself. Just because I think it was trash, doesn't mean that you will. And for the more adventurous movie goer, I dare you drink every time you hear someone say the 'N' word.

Hurricane Sandy: A Recap

I often complain that all I do is work, so I figured that the hurricane imposed house arrest would be a well deserved and appreciated break. I was all the way wrong. Cabin fever is the absolute worst, paired with all the sleep, I almost died of boredom. I haven't had decent sleep since Saturday night, but that was more like a drunken pass out. I just napped for about 2 hours at a time, then try to figure out what to do with my life, before falling into a lucid standby state of rest for another hour. Its a vicious cycle, punctuated by reality tv marathons and On Demand viewings. I basically turned into Mac. I had an initial excitement about having time off, but I'm so used to my time being filled, that I was bored immediately. I've fallen into a routine of watching all the prime time programming I've missed on Hulu or where ever on Fridays, so watching shows when they originally aired was something so new, that it was weird and I started to doze off part way through. So I actually saw the first three minutes of my shows, and then I lost interest.

The only things I managed to do were maintain homeostasis, eat , learn that Pawn Stars (aka my new obsession) was fake and create a weather control conspiracy theory about the government. I was less than productive. However, I made a long list of things I coulda shoulda woulda done, but didn't:

1. Go on Pottermore, and complete the second book.
2. Finish reading The Mark of Athena.
3. Re-write the second half of The Hunger Games, so that Cato won.
4. Updated my resume.
5. Exercise.
6. Set up my wireless printing in my room.
7. Watch The Goonies, for the first time ever.
8. Started my writing sample.
9. Drink wine and watch Magic Mike.

Instead I did nothing. I was a lazy oaf, who wanted to lay in bed, and watch bad tv while eating Twizzlers. And you know what? I'm okay with that.