so you have a friend who's single...

Amongst my friends, I am The Single One. I was fine with this until about two months ago when I realized that being single gives me an enormous amount of anxiety around them. I can hold my own in my group of friends, and enjoy my time with them. Now that they are all boo’d up, our group dynamic has shifted, to all the couples and a Kelli. Part of this is my fault, because I have chosen to be single for the last x-amount of years. I guess everyone has a time that’s “their time” to be single.  For me, it’s now. Hopefully, it won’t be much longer. I’ve adapted to single life, and developed a thick skin to some of these scenarios. But here are a few friendly reminders to those of you who have single friends:

• Unless your SF expresses an interest in someone in particular, do NOT try to put him or her on with another one of your single friends. These situations always begin with the same phrase, “I know this guy who would be great for you!” You might have thought you knew a guy, and you thought wrong. It never works. Never.I still go out on these types of dates for a few reasons. Mainly, that I need writing material for my future long, NYT Best Selling, Kennedy Center Honors winning career AND I’m not above a mediocre free meal and pregnant pauses in chit chat.
• If your single friend is having too much casual sex for your liking, keep that shit to yourself. Unless they are you know being unsafe ab. But if they’re just a squirrel trying to get a nut, let them live. Don’t clock their shit. Eventually you’ll sound like you are just jealous because you’re only touching one person for the foreseeable future. They’ve made their choice.  Be a pal and just hope that if their having sex, that it is good sex.
• Anyone who is currently single has probably had a past love that they will always love. Lord knows I do. Don’t pressure them to try and reconcile with that person. It didn’t work out for a reason, and maybe they just aren’t a good together. Will they always love that person? Yes. But it’s over. Don’t beat a dead horse. After your first real break up, you learn that the sun will rise, and life goes on.
• Don’t seek relationship advice or bitch about your relationship woes to your SF, unless they’ve been through that issue. We don’t want to hear that shit. Not only is it depressing as fuck. It sort of puts us in a weird headspace about being in a relationship. Also, it’s kind of weird when an SF offers you advice to a hurting friend. Once the you’re-Single-So-How-Do-You-Know card gets thrown out, there is no taking it back. It hurts. So just avoid that whole predicament entirely.
• If you are planning a group outing that will consist of an odd number of people, let your SF know beforehand. That way they can decline the invitation if they just aren’t feeling the love that day. Don’t be offended if SF declines this invitation. It’s nothing personal. It is just awkward as fuck when every one is hugged up in the movie theater, and SF is eating their big ass popcorn and soda looking lonely as fuck. Of course, your SF can invite someone to be their date, but if they aren’t romantically involved with them, that sitch is also awkward as fuck. Their date will totally notice it’s a singles thing and that while they are not on a date, they are on a date.
• If your SF goes on a date, they’re obviously excited and nervous about it all. The worst thing you can do to your SF is start to sell them a dream “He/she may be the one” should never leave your mouth; especially if you set your SF up with this person. I can’t stand a bitch trying to make a sale. It cheapens the product. Whenever this happens to me, I assume my date is wack and needs to be up sold, and it doesn’t work out.
• Last but not least, if your SF is griping to you about being single, don’t tell them that they will find someone eventually. Everyone finds someone eventually. That’s why that shit is eventual. Your SF has being holding their shit down for a minute. They’re okay by themselves and not less of a person for going through the meanwhile alone.

I’m not saying that us single people form a Single People Couple Haters Club trying to sabotage those of you who are outchea trying to get your Alfalfa and Darla on. Just keep these tips in mind.